Emails to God – Supporting my Wife Going Catholic, Part 1

My wife has started posting a series on her blog about how she ended up “converting” to Catholicism (www.meganwillome.com). I decided it might be good if I posted corresponding posts to describe my own church journey as it corresponds with hers. I think mine will probably be longer and less succinct than hers, so if you’re game you can read along.

It starts when I was eight years old, and my parents were trying to reconcile after a six-month separation. They found themselves at a marriage retreat at Laity Lodge, which is in the Texas Hill Country about an hour from Kerrville. A Catholic priest lead the retreat, and it was through that process and a prayer my father prayed with the priest during one of the breaks that my father became a Christian. When my parents came home and my dad moved back in (the exact order of events is a little fuzzy for me), we all joined the First Baptist Church in our town. Now, many Baptists grow up with anti-Catholic sentiments, but I never did because of my dad’s experience with this priest. My dad, for his part, grew up Methodist, but during the separation had started attending a Baptist church in San Antonio, so joining the Baptist church in our little town seemed a natural fit.

So I grew up Baptist, absorbing more Baptist theology than I realized. I won’t go into the whole story about my own developing relationship with God, but, suffice it to say, by the time I met my wife 23 years ago I was a discipling Christian as was she. Neither of us felt like we had cornered the market on theology and approached our adult lives post college in a very ecumenical way. We usually drifted towards Baptist or non-denominational churches (which are usually theologically similar to being Baptist), but we remained open to different Christian denominations.

After we moved to our current town nearly seven years ago, we looked for a church our children would enjoy. They were both in grade school, and we were trying to replace a church with a vibrant children’s program. After visiting seven different churches, all of differing denominations, the children chose the Methodist church. This suited us fine, and the kids were happy.

Unfortunately, three years later the church went through a terribly divisive time. We tried to stick it out, but it was difficult because nearly all of the families left. The final straw was when we took our son, who was then in the 7^th grade, to the youth room on Sunday morning only to find that it was locked and the lights were out because there were no youth to serve. We needed to find something else.

We visited a Lutheran church for a while that my wife, daughter (three years younger than our son) and I liked, but our son didn’t. They were doing confirmation and he had trouble getting into it. Having grown up in a confirmation-free Baptist world I didn’t know how to coach him through it. So we tried giving him the freedom to go to other churches on his own. He tried the Evangelical Free Church youth group for a while, but he didn’t end up liking that.

This is where I’ll end this part of the story since this is about where my wife’s blog post today ends, but, in summary, by the end of 2009 my wife and I were attending a Lutheran church with our ten-year-old daughter, and my son was visiting the Evangelical Free church’s youth group. Something was about to happen, however, that would send my wife on a spiritual journey that God led me to support.

 

Emails to God – Salvation through Grace (Ephesians 2:8-9)

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

Dear God, the idea of salvation through faith vs. works is still a difficult one for all of us. I am a big proponent of the idea that our brains are hard-wired by the age of three, meaning that whatever we know in the first three years is hard to change for the rest of our lives. In this case, for most of us, our parents expect us to perform in one way or another, rewarding good performance and disciplining bad performance. After three years of conditioning to this, how can we not expect the same of you.

The ministerial association asked me to preach at a community-wide Thanksgiving service in a few weeks. I’ve been thinking a lot about the topic I want to choose and what I want to say. My topic is going to be finding you in tragedy, and being thankful for what you do for us in the midst of strife. One of the ideas that will undoubtedly come up is whether or not you cause negative things in our lives or simply work through them when they happen. Do you reward and discipline us based on our behavior, or simply pour out your blessings continuously, supporting us in the difficult times as well as the good—they just look different. I hadn’t thought about it before, but I think this verse will work as one of the verses I will use. It reminds us that our relationship with you has little to do with works because you simply cannot tolerate the best of us without grace.

Father, use me during this sermon in a few weeks as well as today. Use me as I work with our staff and board. Use me as I present to a group of donors who are coming to hear about the Center. Use me as I meet with patients, do my work, and represent the Center. Use me as I love my wife and parent my children. Use me as I write, speak, and, most importantly, listen. To the best of my ability, I offer myself to you.

 

Emails to God – A Living Sacrifice? (Romans 11:32; 12:1)

For God has bound everyone over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all… Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.

Dear God, I don’t think I have ever seen these two verses linked together before, but after reading it again, they below together. Paul didn’t separate his letter into chapters. He wrote it all as one unit, and so if I look at 12:1 without looking at what came before it, then I am missing something. It’s the word “Therefore” that told me I should look at what preceded it, and what precedes it is Paul talking about the Israelites having their hearts hardened and you going to the Gentiles. Now all of us, in our disobedience, can receive your grace and mercy. So now I am supposed to offer my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to you. This is how I can worship you.

So what does it mean to offer my body as a living sacrifice? What does that look like? And how am I doing? It’s funny how some days are better than others. Yesterday, for example, was an interesting day. I woke up with zero motivation. I went to church with my wife, but then I came home to take a nap. Then I watched my favorite football player play, followed by another nap. Then I spend the rest of the day reading a book. I had things I intended to accomplish yesterday (exercising, writing, paying bills), but I did none of it. I just let the day go. Did I make a mistake? Was I being selfish? Was I getting some rest that I needed? Did I fail to sacrifice myself to you?

Father, as I go through this day, help me to remember that I am choosing right now to completely submit myself to you as a living sacrifice. I am giving you all that I am for all that you are. During the day, as I start to take my life back, please remind me that I agreed to give it all to you. Be glorified through me, and help me to be the man you need me to be for the sake of my wife, my children, my coworkers, and everyone else with whom I come into contact.

 

Emails to God – Submitting to Scripture (2 Timothy 3:14-17)

14 But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, 15 and how from infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Dear God, this is my first “email” to you in several days. Where has my head been? What has made me so buy that I couldn’t stop to do this? Sure, I traveled quite a bit (900 miles in 8 days), but I had time to do other things that I wanted to do. Why didn’t I discipline myself to stop and meditate on scripture? I have no good excuse. I am simply sorry.

I suppose this “verse of the day” from Bible Gateway is appropriate because it reminds me that I need to be mindful of scripture in my life. Each day’s reading almost always has something to say to me about how I can align myself more rightly with you. I’m not talking about being aligned through your grace, but aligned through my own thoughts.

Father, the first person scripture needs to be about teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness is me. Yes, I can use it to encourage and teach others, but only after I have submitted to its wisdom and authority myself. So here I am to worship. Here I am to bow down. Here I am to say that you’re my God. You’re altogether lovely. Altogether worthy. Altogether wonderful to me.

 

My wife’s blog from this morning.

 

Emails to God – Is it ever enough? (John 14:8-14)

⁸ Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.”

⁹ Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? ¹⁰ Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. ¹¹ Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves. ¹² Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. ¹³ And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. ¹⁴ You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

Dear God, Philip had good intentions in verse 8, but he was wrong. Jesus could have transfigured right there and shone in all of his glory for them, and the impact would have been gone in hours and days. Think of Peter, James, and John watching the transfiguration. You would think that seeing Jesus transfigured and speaking with Moses and Elijah would have been enough to keep them courageous during the crucifixion, but at least two of them were nowhere to be found.

Frankly, our human hearts can never be satisfied because Satan comes like a thief in the night and steals the memories of the glorious works you have done. He steals our faith, not it big chunks, but through erosion over time. My wife reminded me last night of a time that our church group prayed for a woman with cancer in her back. The prayer was in our living room and we all laid hands on her. The next day when they surgeon got in there they found the tumor was gone. They could see where it HAD been, but it wasn’t there anymore. A miracle had taken place in my own living room, yet how often does my heart doubt your power?

Father, thank you that Jesus knew, even in that moment, that Philip didn’t know what he was saying. Jesus knew it wouldn’t be enough. He knew that performing miracles and giving the Pharisees a sign wouldn’t be enough. He knew that faith is about us making a decision to submit ourselves to you and then pursuing you diligently and humbly. It isn’t about us being wowed and having our emotions manipulated. It is about us persevering even when the emotions are gone (see Mother Theresa). So I offer you my submission to your authority and ask that you please help me to feel your presence in my life today. Work through me. Love through me. Lead through me. Help me to represent you well.

 

Emails to God – On what does my heart meditate? (Psalm 19:14)

“May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

Dear God, one of the bad things about just looking at a verse here or a verse there and then studying it is that I lose the context. For example, with this verse this morning I found it in the “Verse of the Day” section of www.biblegateway.com and had one thought about it. Then I looked up the entire Psalm and found out important information. Firest, it is the last verse of the Psalm. It is the wrap-up. He doesn’t say, “May THE words of my mouth and THE MEDITATIONS of my heart be pleaing in your sight.” He says, “May THESE words of my mouth and THIS MEDITATION of my heart be pleasing in your sight.” While I don’t think the psalmist would disagree with the first thing I wrote down, this vese is specifically about the Psalm that is in verses 1-13.

What’s my point? Honestly, I’m not exacty sure except to say that I’m not sure many Christians are very effective at knowing how to study the Bible, including me. It’s such a complicated book. It’s not just something you can sit down and read. Some books you can: Genesis, Exodus, Joshua, Samuel 1 & 2, etc. But others are meant to be read that way: Leviticus, Psalms, Proverbs, etc. Then there are the ones that are just too esoteric and vague for me: Isaiah, Jeremiah, Revelation, etc. In a lot of cases, I need a commentary to help me figure out what it might be that you have for me in these different books.

Father, help me to not be intimidated by studying some of the more difficult books of the Bible. Help me to find a way to learn more about you and find a piece of you where I have been too overwhelmed to look before. And may THESE words of my mouth and THIS MEDITATION of my heart be pleasing to you.

 

Emails to God – You know the plans you have for me? (Jeremiah 29:10-12)

¹⁰ This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Dear God, this might be offensive to some because they use it a lot, but this verse has never really done anything for me. People take verse 11 in isolation instead of keeping it in the context of what you said in verse 10. It kind of goes back to my idea that we measure time in days, weeks, and months while you measure time in years, decades, and centuries. The Israelites were in Egypt of over 400 years (that’s a lot of generations who were born, lived, and died in captivity). In this case, a lot of people will die before the Israelites leave Babylon. I know the previous verses say they should settle in and build houses while they are there and their work will be blessed, but the “hope” and “future” in verse 11 are more for their children and grandchildren than they are for the hearers of this word. Yes, the hope is theirs, but the hope isn’t for their own freedom, but for the freedom of generations to come.

I don’t know why I’ve gone off on this except that I saw this verse on Bible Gateway’s verse of the day and I instantly felt annoyed. I get tired of everyone thinking that life owes them prosperity now, or within the next year as opposed to much, much later or maybe never at all. I wonder if that is a human thing or just a Western culture thing. How does a Christian in Africa or India read this verse? Do they expect that the prosperity is for them, or do they realize that it might be for them or it might be for future generations?

Father, I live a life that is remarkably blessed. I get to see it up close and personal every day at work. My family is health. I am healthy. I have more money in the bank that any of our clients. I drive a nice vehicle. We can afford college for our children. Though some middle class people and certainly upper class people wouldn’t look at me as wealthy, I do. I feel like you have prospered me beyond anything I deserve. So thank you. Thank you for the blessing of my parents. Thank you for all of the good that you have brought into my life. I know it is from you. I’m not looking for anything else. The only other thing that I want is that I want to expect more of myself in my submission to you at any given moment.

 

Emails to God – A Young Head on Old Shoulders (Proverbs 1:8-9)

⁸ Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction
and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
⁹ They are a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck.

Dear God, “You can’t put an old head on young shoulders.” Those are the words my grandmother spoke to my mother (her daughter-in-law) just before my wedding 20 years ago. They are the dismayed sentiments of every parent raising children. We want to give them the benefit of our knowledge that was learned through the experiences of failure and success. We want to give them that head start in life and help them to get further down the road just a little faster.

The context for my grandmother’s words were that she spoke in a moment of tenderness between her and my mother. I was less than a month from getting married, and my mom was talking with my grandmother about my mom’s own wedding to my dad. Both of my dad’s parents disapproved. My dad, their oldest, had just graduated from the University of Kansas and was working at his first career job in Kansas City. He had also just been drafted to go into the Army during Vietnam. My mother was a high school dropout, divorced, and a mother of two. She was not who my grandparents had in mind for their son, and they let both of my parents know about it.

In 1992, over 23 three years later, my mother (still married to my father, but it hadn’t been easy) and grandmother had made peace (but it was really only a recent peace). I was about to graduate from Baylor University and marry a woman who had one more semester to go at Baylor before she graduated. She had never been married and had no children. My grandmother, for her part, was terminally ill and would die two and a half weeks after my wedding. She and my grandfather had moved from Kansas to stay with my parents in Texas while she went through treatment. It was in this context that my mother said, “Sally, I have to tell you, if my Baylor graduate came home with a divorced high school dropout with two children, I wouldn’t be too happy about it either.” My grandmother’s response: “You can’t put an old head on young shoulders.”

I’ve always interpreted her words, which my mother told me about later, as being meant for the person in their twenties who hadn’t yet experienced life. But I wonder if they weren’t also for the person in their forties who still has a lot to learn. My grandparents wanted to save my dad from the pain they could see coming in his life by marrying into a complicated situation. In 1992, my grandmother now had 23 more years of experience that she didn’t have back in 1968. She probably wished she had known in 1968 what she knew in 1992.

Father, I guess my point is, I can try to train my children, but they are going to go the way they are going to go. It’s that weird, terrible, wonderful thing you gave all of us called free will. I don’t quite understand why you did it. It seems like it causes more problems than it solves. But I can see them learning, and, although as teenagers it appears they no longer listen to me, I can see us starting to get a little bit of traction in the lessons we have taught them. So help me to remember to allow them a young head to grow old on its own (though hopefully it will be at least somewhat formed by the lessons my wife and I teach), and help me to remember that, even at 42, I don’t yet have as old of a head as I think I do.

 

Emails to God – “Peace” by Rich Mullins

Though we’re strangers, still I love you
I love you more than your mask
And you know you have to trust this to be true
And I know that’s much to ask
But lay down your fears, come and join this feast
He has called us here, you and me

[CHORUS:]
And may peace rain down from Heaven
Like little pieces of the sky
Little keepers of the promise
Falling on these souls
This drought has dried
In His Blood and in His Body
In the Bread and in this Wine
Peace to you
Peace of Christ to you

And though I love you, still we’re strangers
Prisoners in these lonely hearts
And though our blindness separates us
Still His light shines in the dark
And His outstretched arms are still strong enough to reach
Behind these prison bars to set us free

[CHORUS:]

[CHORUS:]

Peace to you
Peace of Christ to you

Dear God, how do I best communicate that someone who is ashamed of themselves is safe in my presence? Better still, how do I best communicate to them that they are safe in your presence?

I have always loved how this song starts: “Though we’re strangers still I love you, I love you more than your mask.” Just the acknowledgment that we know there’s a mask there (we all have one on), and it’s okay.

Laity Lodge is my favorite place on earth. What makes it so special? Is it that it is a lovely setting in the beautiful Texas Hill Country? Is it the great food or terrific Bible teaching at the retreats? That’s all great, but there is something that Howard Butt, Jr., established there over fifty years ago that is still true today. It is a safe place. It is a place where people who feel awful or even unsure about themselves and their sin before you and everyone else and turn it into a feeling of being loved and accepted.

Father, help me to 1.) feel safe in your presence, and 2.) help others to feel your love, compassion and “safeness.” Your outstretched arms are still strong enough to reach behind our prison bars to set us free.